You used to call.  Or message.  To check up on how I was.  Or something.  I just listened to your voice.  Trying to pretend that it was back to how it used to be.  That you were calling because you missed me.  Because you wanted me to know everything, because you wanted me to be part of your life.  I miss all of that so much.  Now, I just sit here.  Everyday, I go through the same routine.  The lies, how I hate hiding.  Pretending that I'm okay.  Saying I'm good when I'm breaking inside.  Smiling when every inch of my body just wants to end.

I wish I could call you.  And just tell you how I feel.  Because I'm so lost.  So empty.  I don't even know if you'll ever see any of this.  I don't know if I ever want you to.  I don't want you to feel bad.  This is just my place to dump my emotions.  I can't tell anyone.  None of this, I can share.  There was one person who understood, but even they're going through their own shit.  Same as this, actually.  And because I know how hard it is, I don't want to burden them with the worries of another person.

I wander how you are.  My mind never stops thinking about you.  Even sometimes when I can't take it anymore and I just want to erase you from my mind, you're there.  You were everything to me.  I try to sleep, to not think, to just get an escape, but you're there, in my dreams.

I has a dream that I was holding you before.  That you were in my arms.  Looking at me.  Up on your tippy toes, like how you had to.  You're lips, barely touching mine.  It was weird.  I saw it from a third person point of view.  And it was beautiful.  How I miss that.  The intimacy between us.  We had issues, but that was real.  All of our emotions, all the hurt and pain, suffering, all that was real.  But so was the connection, the moment where everything just seemed to be okay, where we would look into each other's eyes, speak nothing, but having everything said.

I hope you're doing well.  I hope that you're okay.  That you achieve everything you ever aim for.  I know you can do it.  I just wish I was there by your side. 

You were and are everything to me.  I love you.  Please drink water and keep warm.  I'll be there soon.