How I Got By

I've accepted everything I suppose. I've kind of given up. It's no longer in my hands and if it's God's will, then one day it will happen. But now that I'm looking back, I'm just full of hurt. And I feel a bitterness and anger approaching, but I know that is temptation. That isn't how I should feel. I've grown close to God and I have him within me. I trust him and I leave it to him. Instead of anger I need to show forgiveness and mercy. Then and only then will I be able to move on with everything and accept all that is.

But looking back, I'm hurt. Even when you said that you wouldn't want a relationship for a long time. That you need time to work on yourself. Figure yourself out. Concentrate on work, on school. And then to find out you're interested in someone less than a month after. And that you went out with them and had such an amazing day. I want to say I'm happy for you, but I'm not... I'm just more hurt by you. And to find that you were holding hands with him too...

I'm hurt, and it feels like the past year was just a lie. All the memories. Nothing was real. You had already let go, and that's kinda fucked up because I didn't know. And like I said to you, what you did was so wrong. So cruel. You put me through a year of deceit. Through all our issues, I was always 100% dedicated to making it work because I saw you as my wife. I saw you as the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was prepared to have a family with you and grow old with you and go through life and have you by my side. I wanted all that and I thought that's how life was going to go. But to know you had given up all of that a year ago and just didn't have the courage to leave? No, even the desire to speak out? That's messed up. And yeah, I messed up too. There were things I need to work on, and I get you saying you found it hard to open up to me because of my faults, because I wasn't supportive and because I wouldn't understand but to not even open up to me about that?

I've tried to be understanding. I get that you've had over a year to move on, and that's why it's so easy for you to get with someone else, to meet new guys, to start having new feelings over someone else. But for me... I never knew anything you felt until a month ago. And to hear that you're out there with other guys fucking burns me. It really kills me. It rocks me to my core. That place you held in my heart is just constantly in pain. And I hate putting on the mask everyday and pretending that I'm fine. Because I'm not.

I have God, but sometimes my natural human tendencies take over and my stability just collapses. I know he is taking me on a journey, and I'm so thankful in ways that this has happened because I would never have been this close to him otherwise, but it's so hard to know where this journey is taking me and to completely trust in him.

Trust. It's so funny. You never fully trusted me. And it was like I was always wrong until I proved I was right. And that was unfair, but I never gave up, I tried to constantly prove to you that I wouldn't leave. Never, through all that we went through, did I want to leave or show you any signs I would. I promised to always be with you, no matter what and so did you... And I thought that being engaged would just add further truth to that promise. But it was all a sham to you, you just saw it as a 'let's try this before we're married and if it doesn't work out at least we weren't married!' And that hurts because I fully trusted in you to go through all the hard times with me, because we made that promise to each other and I'm sure there was a time it truly meant something to you. But after what you've put me through... I don't think I'm ever going to be able to trust completely again in any future relationship. I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to go through what I'm going through ever. And it sucks. Because I will never be able to truly let you go. I will always care about you and love you and think about you and you will always have that place in my heart and its not fucking fair for any future girl that I end up with because she's going to have to deal with and accept all of that and she's going to have to deal with the fact that I wish she was you.

It doesn't matter if I ever find someone else. However amazing they may be. My heart is always going to be set on you. I made you that promise, my heart made you that promise. And it's so sad to think that you did make that promise to, but your actions now reflect how little that means to you. I feel bad, because who ever I end up with will have to deal with me never giving up on 'us'. And that's so unfair. And I can't just go out and meet girls to get over you. That's not who I am.

Despite everything you've put me through, I will always love you and I will always be here for you. I never felt any resentment to you. I told you to learn from what you put me through because no other guy deserves that. I don't hate you for it, I just don't want anyone else to be put through the same thing I'm dealing with. And I told you to find happiness, because at the end of the day that's all I want for you.

I pray for you, multiple times a day and I'm drawing closer and closer to God, trusting that he has you in his hands, that he will put you on the right path and that he will unveil himself to you and give you and amazing future. I love you and so does he.

I don't think I can ever accept us being 'friends'. It's just too painful. And as much as I want to believe we can be, I think I'm just lying to myself. It's too painful to see you act like everything is normal. Emotions just come flooding back. I don't want to hurt. Please don't hurt me anymore. I don't know how long I can play this game for. It's all too painful, because in the back of my mind and in the forefront of my heart, I will always just want us back. And to have to be friends and not act on that is just too painful. It doesn't mean I won't be there for you; I will always be here for you, whenever you need. It just means that I will mostly be closed to you. I just don't want to hurt.

I really hope you find what it is you're looking for and I hope God provides you with the way there and that you seek him too.

I love you and you will always have a place in my heart.

I miss you. I don't know how things got this way. So quickly. Well, maybe so quickly to me. Maybe it was just me being naive, not thinking things were as bad as they are. Remember when we were happy? How we could look into each others eyes and just see joy. Trust. Safety. Love. I miss that. I hate how you can treat me like a stranger so quickly. I hate that you can just seemingly go on with your life like nothing is wrong. That nothing you do is wrong. That even things I tell you that you do that hurt me you just keep doing. Like you don't give a fuck. Like you never did. Stringing me along the past couple of years on a lie. Using me when you needed support, then tossing me aside when you let him back into your life. Everything I thought I did right for you immediate is wrong. It doesn't count anymore.

I hate knowing that you go on with your life, all normal and I'm just fucking going around pretending I'm okay. Smiling. But in the moments when I'm by myself. Overwhelming sadness. I hate how you were never there for me. For everything I went through. From small things like stressing over a job to bigger things like not being happy. Thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore. Troubles differentiating dreams from reality. I really thought you would have cared about all of that. But I had no one to open up to. No one to lean on, to comfort me. To offer me support. Love. To tell me that it was going to be okay. All I wanted was a fucking hug. I just wanted to hear you tell me that you loved me and to look at me the same way you used to. I miss you so much.

I will always love you. I promised that I would never leave you and as hard as it may get, I will always stand by that. But there's nothing to say that you won't leave me. And if that time comes around, there will be nothing I can do. Nothing I can say. Just sit. In sadness. Watching you leave.

Baby, from the bottom of my heart, I don't know if you will read this, ever. But know that I love you. You made me feel like the luckiest guy in the world. I want you to be happy. I want that to be with me, but I don't want to be made to feel that I owe everything to you for being with me. I want you to be with me because you love me. Because I'm the one you want to turn to. Because I'm you're best friend.